No no not that kind of number 2, although conversations about such a thing could be entertaining in a gross sort of way I guess....but in this particular case I am talking about baby number 2.
(Joya 8 months)
Now more than ever, I am getting a lot of questions about when we will add cute baby numero dos to the clan?
Answer: I have no idea yet...
If I'm being honest and raw like I vow to be in all of my blogs, I am really scared of going through postpartum depression again (you can read about that experience here).More than anything I am terrified of Joya seeing me go through something so terrible. She picks up on things now and I don't know that I could allow her to witness something like that.
As a momma you set the temperment of the home, if momma isn't happy well nobodies too happy. And thats the truth.
Last time it was hard enough on my husband. He had to wake up with me multiple times during the night to help me through horrible panic attacks, practically had to drag me out of bed every morning then go to work and come home to crying spells (mine, not Joya's, yikes! I know)...Do I want to chance putting Joya and him through that again? Absolutely Not! Do I want to put myself through that again? Not at all! The thought of it is actually terrifying BUT...
Even as I write and remember these things, I can hear God's voice whispering Prov. 3:5-6 where it clearly states..
Trust in the Lord with all your <3 and lean NOT on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight.
Lean not on your own understanding? That's hard to do when you analyze things the way I do. I want everything to make sense. Don't you?
The fact of the matter is, I can't give into the fear. The "what if". My faith has to be BIGGER than my fear! I know this in my spirit, but my flesh wrestles with it a lot.
All I know is it's a desire of both my husband and I's to have one more. And if God is willing, then we will and he will be there right next to me no matter what is thown my way. At the end of the day that is all I need to know..
XOXO
Sarah
Oh Sarah...I so love you and appreciate your honesty and faith. You are a gift from God to our entire family. I have known you were the answer to Tai's prayers from the very beginning. The more I know you, the more I know that to be true. You are beautiful inside and out. You are fun, passionate, loving, compassionate, optimistic, encouaging, and faith-filled. You are loyal and true and precious. You are a bold prophetic witness, gifted in so many ways. Tai and Joya are blessed beyond description with the wife and mommy you are to them, that is very evident.
ReplyDeleteAs your MIL I want you to know that I am always with you, no matter what your decisions or struggles. I get it. You can have one beautiful baby or many and that support will never change. What you have experienced has increased your ability to minister to others, but is certainly nothing someone wants to take the chance to go through more than once. Your faith IS bigger than your fear, I've seen it time and time again. You, my amazing girl, are not defined by your challenges, you are defined Jesus Christ in you. You've taught so many that lesson and will teach so many more. Way to be real mighty woman of God!
"And if God is willing, then we will and he will be there right next to me no matter what is thown my way. At the end of the day that is all I need to know.." love that statement. It's completely how I feel as I'm in the midst of my third pregnancy. I was scared to death to get pregnant again and so we were in the process of adopting when "surprise!" guess God had different plans. Like you said, if it's God's will then we will. Love your honesty because girl, I'm right there with you. I have so many fears and doubts but taking it one day at a time and praying my way through each day is what gets me to the next day. Praying for your heart as you walk this next journey of faith :)
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